THE BUZZ IS BACK!

Just in time for the SAG strike, here's the dish from TinselTown!

TWILIGHT is the hot story on movie screens across the land. The vampire adventure is busting records and gorging itself on box office blood as Moms and daughters flock to the multiplexes. Reviews are mixed but we loved it! Beats being lonely!

The Shield ended its 14 year run with a bang! Literally! I've never watched the FX policier because my cousin told me that it's not kind of thing I'd like! My Thanksgiving wish is that the closing of this door will open another: namely, a Commish reunion! Some advice for Michael Chicklets: You don't have to be jerky to be popular!

Rosie O'Donnel has a variety show on television tonight! Two things long due for a return: Rosie and variety! The VCR is set!

And the good news keeps getting better! Rumors are swirling around Hollywood that Navy NCIS is pulling a Colby Smathers: having a baby! The Marc Harmon megahit is set to birth a spin-off! Amen, I say! But that still leaves five nights without a NCIS! Get going, guys!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all! I know we'll all be watching the Macy Day Parade on teevee.

I read online that there is some botulized canned cranberry sauce being sold (I can't find the link now...sorry!), so please eat carefully!

You all inspire me!

Eleanora

IT'S BARRY!

NEWSWRAP: JULY 9, 2008

RAMSEY DNA SHOCKER! Family didn't do it! Who you gonna believe? DNA or your own gut?!

JESSE HOT MIC SHOCKER! Gutter talk pushes race into the race...again! You've stepped in it this time, Rev.!

TELECOM IMMUNITY SHOCKER! Dems lose spine...again! Laws are only for those of us with no lobbyists!

IRAN NUKE SHOCKER! Missle test in response to Israel war-gaming. Cool it, you guys!

IPHONE-MANIA SWEEPS THE NATION...AND THE WORLD! 3G and more computing power than the Space Shuttle...but I still don't have anyone to call! My loss, I guess!

BUT WHERE ARE BRANGELINA'S TWINS?? Huh? Counting down!

REBOOT!

Lots going on.

The reboot is scheduled to go live next week.


Stay tuned...

THE RACE IS ON.

BARACK OBAMA vs. JOHN McCAIN.

FULL COVERAGE HERE...

GEORGE CARLIN

THE POLITICKLE

We've contracted with a very funny online service to bring you the best of political humor in this election season. Look no further than your faithful FILTHY PIGGIES for the jibes, jokes and boners that will have you belly-laughing to the ballot-box!

It sure looks like it makes former President Bill Clinton laugh!

PEACE IN NORTHERN IRELAND - THE MOVIE!

NEW YORK - Building on the successful launch of "The Tudors", paycaster Showtime announced today it plans to produce a ten part series chronicling the difficult path to the powersharing agreement reached last month in Northern Ireland.

Acquited film director John Landis (Blues Brothers, Thriller) will move in front of the camera to topline the project as Sinn Fein mainman Gerry Adams. Says the playful Landis, "We've both tried for years to distance ourselves from our bombs!"

The film, which will shoot in Vancouver next month, jumped way up on the buzzmeter when it was announced that the mummified remains of Egyptian king Ramses II have signed on to play Unionist leader Rev. Ian Paisley.

Called "The Path To Peace," the skein is budged in the $100 million range.

DANCING WITH REALITY TEEVEE!

Heather Mills McCartney, the legless consumer rights activist currently divorcing "Cute Beatle" Paul, has backslid into the most sordid of her old bad habits: erotic dancing!

The US teevee network ABC has confirmed that Ms. Mills is one of the adult stars of the reality dance program "Dance With The Stars."

Mills, who made her living (before getting on the Beatle Bandwagon) by smiling suggestively and removing her clothes for steamy photographs, is seen in the photo above discussing her (fake) legs with Jay Leno on "Tonight".

Other hot-stepping participants in the program are boxing star Muhammed Ali, IN*Sync singing star Joey Pantaloone, "Achy Brokeback Mountain" singer and "Hannah Arrendt" dad Billy Ray Cyrus, Cliff Claven from Cheer's Bar and 902010 hunk Ian MacKaye!

Doesn't this violate Ms. Mill's probation? Oh, solicitor!

PILL PRICES PEAK "PERFECTLY!"

Coeds from coast to coast are looking at sharply higher prices for birth control pills, CYBERMONIKER Healthwatch (Sexwatch) can report. And health officials fear that the college women will go off the pill as a result.


Prices for oral contraceptives, or "birth control pills," are doubling and tripling at student health centers, the result of a complex change in the Medicaid rebate law that essentially ends an incentive for drug companies to provide deep discounts to colleges.

"Yes, we can think of this as a problem," agrees Provost of Student Life at Burlington College in Stryeville, Massachusetts, Clancy Shipp, "but it behooves us to look at it as an opportunity! For those of us who want to impregnate college girls, this is really a 'perfect storm' of opportunity!"

At some schools women could see prices rise several hundred dollars per year.

WORLD'S TALLEST MAN SAVES LIVES OF TWO DOLPHINS!

Strip out a couple of years from your End Times calendars, friends. It's coming up faster than we thought!

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/12/14/china.dolphins.ap/index.html

RUMSFELD SPEAKS OUT!

Fired Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld addressed concerns about the war in Iraq today, conceding that it has not been going “well enough or fast enough.”

When asked directly who's fault these failures were, Rumsfeld pointed to no one and asked "His fault?"

We'll miss your great attitude and your Wednesday muffins, Rummy!

PEACOCK PLUCKED! DEAL OR NO DEAL!

NBC Guns To Trim Fat, Bone & Major Organs!

NBC Universal is planning to slice $750 million off its budget by the end of 2007 by eliminating employees, cutting back on scripted shows, and slashing its news budget.

Industry experts blame "several shitty years and 'Joey'" for the net's huge troubles, which will result in 700 pinkslips.

Jeff Zucker, CEO of NBC Universal's television group, said he'll focus on cheaper programming, announcing that he's shitcanning scripted shows in the 8 o'clock hour because they cost too much given the lack of advertiser interest as well as shitcanning good shows because they require too much work given the lack of viewer interest.

ONLY IN HOLLYWOOD (GERMANY)!

Sting Complains To Germans That Rock Music Is Boring.

Pop star Sting ("Fields of Barley") whined to the German newspaper Die Zeit that "Rock music...bores me."

In the interview, the 60-something ex-Policer was hyping a new CD of him singing the songs of Elizabethan lutenist and composer John Dowland.

The paper also reported that the Pot held a Pressekonferenz to call the Kettle "black."

DIVORCE, HOLLYWOOD-STYLE!

Well, remember not to send a Christmas card to the McCartney's!

Duchess Heather Mills-McCartney has blown the roof off of Beatle-gate with her shock filing in the high-profile divorce case pitting the aging former Beatle against the legless land mine advocate.

Among the claims: Beatle Paul is a grass-user and a drunk who throws up on himself. (Although CYBERMONIKER Healthwatch experts tell us this sort of vomiting may be age-related.)

Also, "The Cute One" allegedly pushed, strangled and stabbed his wife, refused to let her breastfeed their little Beatlette (claming "they are my breasts." Chilling.) and made her postpone a stump surgery so he could vacation!

What an asshole!

Rumors are swirling that both Whitney Houston and Sara Evans are lining up to date Sir Paul once he's single!

GUYS, SHE'S DONE IT AGAIN!

ELEANORA'S HOLLYWOOD BUZZ NEWS!

Let's step right in it!

First up,
BREAKING HOLLYWOOD NEWZ: PARIS HILTON IN DUI SHOCKER!

Even after conquering hotels, fashion, television and music, billionaire "Stars Are Blonde" star Paris Hilton couldn't escape The Law's Long Arm of The Law.

She went down in a Drunk Driving pull-over early morning, West Hollywood time.

Weaving, the cops said.

No word on what she blew.

On the breathalizer, perv!

The Mercedes McLaren SLR sat curbed outside Dragon Fly, on cop's orders.

How will this incident play in New York?

In the halls of power? At the network and the label?

Too soon to tell, but I'll tell you this: It's a big news story.

A story like this can make or break "Ayem Katie" Couric at her new 'desk-job' at CBS.

IMPACTING...

*******************

Back into the Dream Factory mix:

Fresh off a huge win at the MTV Video Musics in New York City, glam/gothrock-punkers A.F.I. have rocked and shocked the Music Biz again!

Today they announced that the 1952 MGM musical "Singin' In The Rain" is tops on their list of "A.F.I.'s 25 Greatest Musicals!"

Great choice, guys! Now lets wash those faces with cold cream!

******************

The burning sore of a question that festered throughout the long, hot summer surely was: What will happen to Dr. House when FOX's "Dr. House, M.D." returns? Well, patients, the results are in and the tests came back...positive!

Very positive! Nearly 19.4 million House-kateers eyeballed the season premiere of the romantic-medical whodunit!

It sure looks like America is very sick and needs to see the doctor! Dr. House!

*******************

An investigative piece in our sister magazine "Vanity Fair" proves that Tom Cruise and Kate Homes weren't lying about having a baby. Or at least about having access to a baby. They were photographed with one!

The baby, nicknamed "Suri," has M:I-Tom's eyes, Mama Katie's nose and Josef Stalin's gorgeous mane of black hair.

Celeb snapper Annie Leibowitz shutterbugged the coveted pics of the million dollar baby. And she's adorable! Looking radiant and strong in the wake of the recent death of her long-time companion Susan Sontag.

****************

The 1970's kitsch revival shows no signs of letting up: blast-from-the-paster Bob Dylan ("Rolling Stone") has landed a number one album...er, they're called CD's now, Bob!

The former clown-prince of the Greenwich, Connecticut, folk-scene dropped the ironically-titled "Modern Times" and sold 192,000 copies, per Nielsen SoundScan. Sounds like "Old Times" to us!

No word from the man once dubbed "the Midwestern Beatles" by the rock journos on who's got the disco ball! Who's got it, Bob? Oh, god, the '70's!

***************

Taking a page from the "Top Gun Tom" playbook, "Desperate Wife" Marcia Cross is prepping to have a "Desperate Baby!"

The 60-something actress, who blew up "Melrose Place," told the press that she got pregant by her stockbroking husband Tom Mahoney.

Wisteria Laners know she's probably having the kid for another man given all the hanky-panky and slutting around that goes on in that ABC neighborhood!

I'll start knitting a sweater! Or two!

*******************

You all inspire me!
Eleanora...CW!

ELEANORA'S HOLLYWOOD BUZZ NEWS!

"CRUISE NUISE"









Five-foot bundle of energy Tom Cruise, taking a pre-planned respite from effectuating creative suicide, spent the better part of the weekend terrorizing Sumner Redstone. Cruise, you'll remember, was cut loose from Viacom Inc.'s Paramount Pictures unit last week after 14 years.

The weekend campaign of crank calls, unordered pizza deliveries, and shouted obsenities are said to be a perfectly Hubb-cceptable retaliation, according to glib-sensitive Top Gun Tom, because "Sumner Redstone is a pile of rocks with hair."

Paula Wagner defended her longtime meal-ticket, calling Redstone's public grousing about Cruises antics "offensive" and "undignified." She stressed her years working with Cruise made her an expert on both.

Next week MI:Tom begins the rounds to find a new home for Cruise/Wagner. Insiders tell us the process will consist of casting the largest possible net and seeing what they can ensnare, calling it "Operation Find-A-Wife II."

****************************

Word on Sunday from one of our CYBERMONIKER Tipsterettes that the television "Emmy Awards" are this weekend.

We haven't been able to confirm but we sure will let you know if we hear anything.

****************************

Eleanora's Sleepless Wonderings: What will future anthropologists think when they see that we get our news about a sexually assaulted and murdered six year-old on a program called "Entertainment Tonight"?

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What the fuck is up with that Nasonex commercial?

The hobbyist-level-CG bee buzzing about nose-spray?

Doing some kind of riff on Antonio Banderas?

WTF?

**************************

In the Music Scene, Aerosmith's whispy-haired bass-player Tom Hamilton is "Livin' On The Edge" as he battles cancer attacking his throat.

But will he miss the Aerosmith/Mötely Crûé "Route of All Evil" fall tour? "Dream On!" He "Don't [sic] Want To Miss A Thing!" even if he is "Sick As A Dog," CYBERMONIKER has learned from the group's publicist, Marcee Rondan.

He's not "Cryin'" about the disease, claiming that radiation treatments will be "What It Takes" to "Chip Away At The Stone" until the cancer is "No More No More!"

Doctors are confident that the seven week treatment will beat the cancer, proving to be the "Magic Touch" to "Make It" get "Movin' Out" of his throat until his "Adam's Apple" is "Pink" and healthy again!

Hamilton will "Draw The Line" with "The Other Side" of "The Hand That Feeds," telling a certain "Spaced" "Somebody" that a "Permanent Vacation" would be "Nobody's Fault" and that to "Walk This Way" once more would surely be a "Sweet Emotion!"

The sweetest, Tom. Get well soon!


You all inspire me!
Eleanora...podcast!

WEEKEND POETRY CORNER!

In celebration of "National Poetry Weekend," we've asked each CYBERMONIKER staff associate to share with us his or her favorite poem. Even after I made it mandatory, we did not receive any responses. Perhaps three weeks wasn't enough lead time. It's hard in the summer; so much going on. Vacations and that sort of thing. The beach. However, in the interest of plodding ahead with this goddamn thing, we present, following, a clean, bracing poem: one that evokes the expansiveness of the American West and comments obliquely but perceptively on the distance between what we say and what we mean:


Out West
where you vacation
the aspens will already be turning.

They turn in clusters
because their roots
connect them.

BEATLES LIES: PART SIX

PART SIX

Shakespeare believed that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions." In view of the discoveries made in the last four years through research at the University of Delaware's Culture Studies Department, we have proven Shakespeare wrong and must amend his line to read that "all roads are paved with BEATLES LIES!"

In Part Six, many more of the falsehoods of Mssrs McCartney, Lennon, Starr (not his real name) and Harrison are exposed.

Will these mop-tops ever be held to account?

"PAUL IS DEAD" This was a lie the Beatles spread when album sales hit the wall. This cynical attempt to drum up "buzz" is easily proven false: A Google search shows that McCartney, the brown-haired octogenarian bass-player of the group, is scheduled to be in a leotard in Las Vegas to perform in a Beatles Circus show this summer. He is simultaneously fighting a tabloid divorce battle with the legless sex-star Heather Mills! If that's the schedule of a dead man, kill me!

"SHE LOVES YOU" She doesn't. She never did. "Beatlemania" built on a foundation of lies.

"LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS (L.S.D.)" Lennon, famous for sleeping "in bed" and wearing his grandmother's glasses, was widely known to be the "drug" Beatle. He was caught red-handed with this nonsensical track, clearly an ode to the most famous Drug of the '60's! (Or at the least, sung under the influence of "grass.") "Oh, no," he protested, "it just came from a primative crayon drawing that my son Julian Lennon made me." While true on the facts, our research has shown that Julian Lennon was "tripping out" on L.S.D. when he made the drawing so we count Lennon again a liar.

"SGT. PEPPER" No such man ever served.

"I AM THE EGGMAN" The "Eggman" is a character stolen wholesale from Greek mythology. For a singing group who aggressively courted plaudits for their songwriting skills, this exposes Lennon as a liar and a plagiarist. The worst of both worlds.

"I AM A WALRUS" Does not merit rebuttal.

"GEORGE IS THE 'QUIET BEATLE'" If Lennon was the "Drug Beatle" and McCartney was the "Cute Beatle" and Starr (not his real name) was the "Slow Beatle" than surely Harrison was the "Quiet Beatle." Stands to reason, right? Wrong. Research shows that between 1962 and 1970, Harrison talked, on average, as much as and at a comparable volume to, the other Beatles. He spoke more than Lennon in 1966 and significantly more than Starr (n.h.r.n.) in both 1967 and 1968, including three instances of shouting.









In Part Seven, we will shine the bright light of truth on Beatles Lies regarding India, "The Void," the human toll of the "Butcher Cover" and Lennon's supposedly missing toe.

Also, "Pacemaker" Gerry Marsden on not seeing McCartney ever drink water, and general Harrisonalia.

ELEANORA'S HOLLYWOOD BUZZ NEWS!

So much going on here in Hollywood, let's step right in it!

"Mad Mel" (Gibson) pleads 'no contest' this ayem in a Los Angeles courtroom to charges of being an Anti-semite. No jail time for the rage-o-holic actor/director. Shameful.

Heal your heart, sir!


In another alarming development, the Los Angeles Times ("All The News That Fits, We'll Print") has published a list of Jewish people in Hollywood in today's editions.

It makes CYBERMONIKER's heart swell to see so many artists standing strong against the threat posed by the feeling of "terror."

The comprehensive list will serve as a handy reference and prevent "Mad Mel" from having to ask so often.

******************************

In Music Newz, grungers The Smashing Pumpkins ("Hey Jealousy") have dusted off their guitars, workboots, and saxophones and reconvened in a Chicago studio to make music.

Bald-headed head Pumpkinhead Billy Corwin hints that the new material will be "grunge."

I'm going to my Store-All storage space this weekend to get my flannel shirts, Billy! I'm not sure I've kept up on the payments and they may have auctioned all my stuff for pennies on the dollar! Hope not!

*****************************

BREAKING NEWS: Tinsletowners are irate that the I.R.S. is making them pay taxes on their Oscars!

No fair!

*****************************

Most likely a future Oscar-winner, Bianca Ryan, the adorable 11-year-old who chirped her way into our televisions on NBC's feel-good summer-smash "Yes, America Has Talent!", has won that contest and the attendant million dollar cash prize!

Look out for the I.R.S., Bianca! You could be sharing a jail cell with disgraced jungle nudist Richard Hatch if you step out of line!

******************************
Unusual-looking comedienne Rachel Dratch (SNL's "Downtown Debbie") has been tossed off galpal Tina Fay's new NBC laffumentary "30 Rocks" in favor of the more blonde-haired Jane Krankowski.

Viewers will recall the alluring Krankowski from her career-making stint in the 1980's as the zaftig half of the "Ally MacBeal" love-triangle!

Regarding the reasons for Dratch's exit, an Anglophile NBC source quipped to CYBERMONIKER that Dratch was "2 stone too heavy for "30 Rocks."

It's a tough biz!

****************************

Sad news about gifted Haley Joel Osmond ("I See Dead People"). Apparently he's caught up in a dead-end weed trip. I'll frown and file this one under "Dream Factory Detritus."

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You all inspire me!
Eleanora...to the max!

TOMORROW'S NEWS TODAY!

Mel Gibson and Robin Williams in Rehab Smackdown Shocker!

Robin Williams' publicist confirms to CYBERMONIKER that America's Most Treacly Funnyman recently "found himself punching Mel Gibson" at the exclusive rehab center the two Hollywood Titans checked into last week.

According to a source, three-days-sober, who witnessed the melee, "Robin was killing with some off-the-cuff riffing on what a 'Rapper' would make of Mel's recent anti-semetism brouhaha. We were in stitches. Barely thinking about liquor!"

Gibson, our source reports, paced the ward, simmering with rage.

When Robin finished the gag by crossing his arms, rapper-style, and hilariously saying "Word," Gibson leapt at him, demanding to know if he was a Jew and claiming that "Jews are responsible for all your movies!"

The "Passionate Christ" star reportedly singled out "Patch Adams, M.D.", "RV," "Bicentennial Man," "Jakob the Liar," "Jack," "Flubber," "Father's Day," "Jumanji," "Toys," and "Being Human" as being particularly "Jewy."

Robin fended off the blows and tried to disarm the explosive Aussie with humor, launching into a hilariously off-color routine where a "Really Lispy Gay Guy" talked about President George W. Bush "really liking missiles."

The sparring Oscar-winners grappled for about three minutes before being pulled apart by a nurse.

Gibson was treated for bites and Robin, according sources, looked fine but will "most likely be badly bruised under the body hair."

Both are said to be redoubling their efforts to quit drinking.

The erstwhile Mork's publicist confirms that Robin is growing his beard to show he's "getting serious" about his recovery. 

Best of luck to both of you in battling your demons!

CYBERMONIKER'S HEALTHWATCH! (SEXWATCH)

Study: Sexy music triggers teen sex

A raunchy science study that 'dropped' today should be filed in the "Obvious" file, it's results being so obvious!

Songs with hot, dirty, grinding, sweaty, pumping, sexy lyrics make teens have sex sooner, the Rand Corp. study found. According to CNN, "Songs depicting men as 'sex-driven studs,' women as sex objects and with explicit references to sex acts are more likely to trigger early sexual behavior. "

In related news, my new CD "Trigger (Sex-Driven Studs)" hits clubs Aug. 14, kids!

This study would not surprise anyone who had Don Mulligan for a freshman roommate. Everytime Gina came over and that 10,000 Maniacs album went on, I knew I'd be sleeping in the lounge!

*******************************
In other breaking news from the Dream Factory:

Copa-cabana-boy Barry Manilow is scheduled to undergo hip surgery at an unidentified hospital in Southern California after his Aug. 27 appearance at the Emmy Awards.

Experts tell CYBERMONIKER that the operation is risky and there is only a very slim chance it will make him hip.

(God, that's awful. Awful. Are you gonna really use that joke? Jesus. Awful.)

******************************

Congratulations to Pamela Anderson Lee ("Sex Video") and Kid Rock (1/2 of pop-rap duo Kid 'N' Play) on their wedding in Saint-Tropez!

The wedding, one of four scheduled, is designed to kick up interest in Rock's waning music career and Lee's waxing bosom. Best wishes!

A HALF CENTURY OF FUN AT MTV!

Baby-boomer nostalgia hits overdrive as MTV the all-music station celebrates its 50th anniversary!

The idea of 24 hours a day of music seemed like lunacy when the network launched on this day in 1956. Today it sounds like a groundbreaking business plan and a lot of fun!

Best know for breaking new music acts, MTV boasts some very impressive highlights...and low-highlights!

* Madonna struts her stuff "Like A Virgin!" at their Music Awards!
* RUN DJC and Areosmith join forces to create "rap-rock"!
* Janet Jackson's pants "accidently" fall off at the Super Bowl
* Michael Jackson (no relation) creates "Thriller," the first horror video!
* Disco fever takes over the country!
* Country fever takes over the disco!
* The Dixie Chix say they hate the President!
* The Greg Kihn Band claims that "our love's in jeopardy!"
* Freddie and the Dreamers launch the so-called "English Invasion!"

So many great memories...here's to 50 more musical years!

JESUS CHRIST! HATE-SPEECH!

UPDATE:

Mel Gibson has stepped in it this time! The action-comedy-Bible star finds himself drying out and hung out to dry this ayem.

The culprit: hate-speech!

Rough words of antisemitism to some cops has put the Box Office Bigwig on the pariah list.

In a statement issued today, the actor admits that he did say those awful things about "Jews being responsible for all the wars."

His Holocaust-themed project has been scrubbed.

His claim to "own Malibu" has also been proven untrue.

JESUS CHRIST! THAT CAR WAS SWERVY!

Tinsletown Titan Mel Gibson, best know for his award-winning turn as Jesus Christ in the mega-controverisal mega-hit "The Passionate Christ" was arrested early this ayem on suspicion of drunken driving, according to the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department

Shockwaves blasted the Dream Factory as the devout and the devious took in the news of the "Lethal Weapon"'s latest challenge.

Gibson, 61, has at least one previous arrest for drunk driving on his "rap" sheet.

Furthermore, the Australian superstar suffered a metaphoric black-eye last year as his gory Passion-play was gobbling up the box-office when it was widely reported that his father had caused the Holocaust.

Dignified Danny Glover, Gibson's costar in six "Lethal Weapon" films, is scheduled to hold a sparsely-attended press conference this afternoon to announce that Gibson had passed him four miles up the road on P.C.H. and would not pick him up.

VILLAGE PEOPLE TAKE IT ON THE CHIN!

Tough week for America's Favorite Rock Group!

Before T.V. hits like "American Idols" and "Supernova: INXS" were the engine of international pop superstardom, rock groups used to make hay by selling vinyl records!

One of the biggest groups of that "disco" era, The Village People ("In The Navy," "At The Y.M.C.A.") had two hiccups this past week:

The Cop, Victor Willis (bottom right) pleaded no contest Wednesday in San Mateo County Superior Court to a druggie charge resulting from a Mar. 26 arrest for cocaine possession, a 70's staple. I guess some cops think they're above the law!

And the second black eye for multicultural rockers came this week, when The Leatherman (above left) was ordered not to go near the actor John Cusack ("Loves Dogs".) According to E! News! "Leatherman had deluged Cusack with love letters for nearly 18 months, with several missives purportedly claiming that she would harm herself if the actor failed to respond."

No word yet on whether The Indian was involved in the Jack Abramoff scandal! On the political tip!

LONELY RADIO FANS TO BECOME LONELY TELEVISION FANS!

"This American Life" to try a television version on Showtime cable!

Ira Glass's female fans are legion. They swoon to the sweet Chicago deejay's "This American Life" program because they get it. They know what kind of a guy Glass is.

"I could listen to him all night, " reads a typical post on his fansite. "He's sooo cute but not threatening. Sexually. And I know he would be interested in the things I would tell him."

The host agrees. "I don't know what it is about my voice, but I could listen to myself talk all night. I love the way it sounds in my headphones."

But until now the only way to get a look at the nasal, fifty-something host and his trademark eyeglasses was to visit his website, go to a live show taping, attend a Public Radio event featuring him, order a signed glossy from WBEZ, or look into the windows of his home.

Showtime cable network has found a solution, however: A television version of the show!

Glass has moved to New York City because, he explains, "that's what you do if you live in Chicago and meet with some success."

Glass, who asked that he be identified in this story as "the Garrison Keillor of the Sleater-Kinney crowd," said that the focus of new show will be the same as the radio version: stories! "And my introductions to them," he added.

The long-in-the-works program has certainly whetted appetites around the globe. Glass cautions, however, that it may never hit the airwaves. "We haven't found the right lighting yet."

THE NAME'S BLONDE BOND...JAMES (CRAIG DANIEL) BLONDE BOND!

Craig Daniel, the so-called "blonde Bond" has signed on for another installment of the venerable British spy series for MGM, even before his first entry, "Casino Royale," hits theaters on November 17.

The show of support for the actor dropped jaws all over the Dream Factory; all thought Craig Daniel would be a failure - a miserable, harrowing failure. The online "fanboy" set were united in their withering condemnation of his casting.

Message boards and dedicated anti-Craig Daniel websites abound with anti-blonde-Bond content and make a very convincing case! Even Duchess Judy Dench, who plays Bond's supervisor at Ian Flemming's imaginary spy company, has called his performance "edgy."

Over the last 75 years, the "0-0-7" character has lent his tuxedo to many actors, including Pierce Bronson (TV's "Lady Remington"), Roger Moore (TV's "The Saint"), Val Kilmer (film's "The Saint"), Timothy Dalton ("The Beautician and the Beast"), Sean Connery ("Zardoz and the Little People"), George Lazenby ("The Kentucky Fried Movie"), and Yap Chin, who played the character in seventeen Chinese-language films as "Ling Ling Qi."

On November 17th we'll know whether the world is ready for a gay Bond!

"UPTOWN GIRL" BURNED BY COOK!

Funnyman is chronic cad!

Christy Brinkley isn't laughing anymore at the comedic antics of her lousy husband, U.K. comic Peter Cook.

Sources confirm that the leggy and still-sexy-at-sixty supermodel is ready to divorce the elfin comedian (and former partner of the late Dudley Moore.)

Brinkley, who co-wrote Billy Joel's stadium anthem "Uptown Girls," has moved off Long Island after revelations on Fox TV that her husband was carrying on a very sexy affair with a very sexy 19 year old in his employ named Diana Bianchi.

The unlikely seduction took place right under the former "Sports Illustrated" covergirl's nose. "Peter Cook was stepping out on his lady and now he's stepped in it!" remarked a clever neighbor of mine.

Friends have attempted to find Brinkley to offer comfort and snacks but she and her children are in seclusion at her parents house in California and most do not know the exact address.

INTEREST IN SUPREME COURT BOTTOMS OUT

Viewers No Longer Interested in Cases, Decisions, or Analysis

That loud yawn you hear? Most likely it's the sound of America's apathy about the Supreme Court this year.

The reason can be revealed: Jim Lehrer of PBS's flagship newscast "The MacNeil/Lehrer Report & Newshour with Jim Lehrer" has yanked Jan Crawford Greenburg from the public airwaves.

The effervescent analyst, seen in three of her most popular phases (from left to right), "Short Bob," "Pulled Back," and the Peabody Award-winning "Strawberry Cascade," has been absent from her usual Supreme Court beat as this years decisions came down.

The numbers bear out the viewer dissatisfaction: Ratings are down close to 80% against this time last year. Angry letters, telegrams, telephone calls, and computer emails are up 210%.

Lehrer is reluctant to attribute all the viewer defection to Crawford Greenburg's absence. "I think Gwen Ifill must somehow bear much of the responsibility for our troubles," the grinning newsreader remarked, affecting a Southern accent.

Likewise, bearded weekend anchor and gadfly Ray Suarez placed the blame for the ratings slip "squarely at Gwen Ifill's feet." And what about Crawford Greenburg's absense. "I blame Gwen Ifill for that, too."

ANNISTON MISSES "FRIENDS" AND FRIENDS

Jennifer Anniston ("Wedding Crashers") has dropped a bombshell on Hollywood, saying she misses her "Friends" and probably wishes she hadn't ankled the buddy-com!

The teevee groundbreaker was the first NBC laffer to tackle the subject of six very loving, forty-somethings who lived and worked in a N.Y.C. coffee shop called "Central Perk," a pun on Central Park.

The show burst out of the gate in 1994 and reigned atop Neilsen's Top Ten for fifteen years, spinning-off the equally successful "Frasier" and "Joey."

In an interview this week with Russian television, Anniston admitted that she "misses" the program, the cast, and Thanksgiving (which is not celebrated in Russia.)

No definite word on whether the other break-out stars of "Friends" - Courteney Thorne Cox-Arquette, Lisa Kudrow, Anthony Edwards, Matt L. LeBlanc, Matt L. Perry and David Schwimmmer (for you trivia hounds!) would be open to heading back to Manhattan to film again.

Vegas has the odds of the show restarting at better than 2-1! The only holdout appears to be Schwimmmer who is demanding two Rolex wristwatches to participate.

Personal admission: since "Friends"'s tear-jerking but hilarious farewell episode, I've watched other shows...Hey! We were on a break!

(That's one of the show's classic jokes!)

You all inspire me!
Eleanora...out!

ELEANORA'S HOLLYWOOD BUZZ NEWS FLASH

In Dream Factory music news, "punk" singer April Levine has gotten hitched!

The Alanis-for-the-under-20-set, who recently 'glammed up' is said to have walked the aisle to marry beau Dirk McQuickly of the rock group Blink 41 wearing combat boots!

The couple is reported to have written their own vows, substituting "scr*w you" for "I do!"

The shock nuptuals were attended by a who's who of "punk" "royalty" including a young man wearing live chickens for shoes!

You all inspire me!
Eleanora...out!

DEMS INFILTRATE "GOVERNORMINATOR"

DEMOCRAT AGENT "CLOSE" TO ACTION STAR-CUM-GOVERNOR

Cybermoniker has learned that a Democrat spy has weaseled into the deepest recesses of California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger's G.O.P. adminstration in Sacremento.

Based on exhaustive study of thousands of hours of news footage and magazine articles, the spy can be unmasked:

It is Maria Shriver, a "liberal" and a "Kennedy," who is the daughter of Sgt. Shriver (Ret.) and Eunice Kennedy Shriver, who invented the Special Olympics.

Governor Arnold, a fitness nut and former immigrant, is seen in the above (undated) photo joking around with a bust of Eleanor Roosevelt made out of Rice Crispies. Shriver, in long hair, can be seen at his right, not supporting our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

It looks like Arnold (who cut his teeth in the Dream Factory bringing to life a homocidal robot in "T2: Terminator II" and a mush-mouthed dumbell in "Pumping Iron") was asleep at the switch as this rot took root.

"It's the politics of personal destruction," G.O.P. pollster Yip Chan advises, "and it will be rejected by the voters of California."

********************

In other entertainment news, my spies in the "music biz" advise me to be on the lookout for a new CD cut by up-and-coming Latin artist Pilár Pochetés. Open your ojos for her "La Educaccíon Mala de Lauren Hill", her Spanish-lingo take on the GRAMMY-winning classic. It "drops" next month...so look out below!

Stuff your stocking!

"NIGHT" FALLS ON HOLLYWOOD

TWISTY DIRECTOR AT IT AGAIN!

M. "Night" Shyamalan ("The Secret Sense") may have new characters and monsters, but it's the same old script: suck us in and throw us a big curveball!

The wunderkind Pennsylvanian is ramping up to unleash his new picture "The Lady In The Pool" and if the TV ads are to be trusted, he's once again done it!

The scary tale focuses on a mildly retarded poolboy ("Sidewinder"'s Paul Giordelli) and a earth-bound mermaid brought to adorable life by Dallas Brickland Howard, the daughter of Ron Howard. (That's right, TV's "Meat Head!")

I won't give away the wild action ending, but the preview audience I saw it with was howling, laughing, shrieking and crying!

I see dead people!

CYBERMONIKER EDITORIAL

Why People Hate Los Angeles.

On the short list of why people despise L.A. is Tom O'Neil. The guy who always pops up around the Emmys or Oscars. Always identified as "Emmy expert" or "Oscar expert."

You know the guy.

Always makes the most vapid comments or dim-bulb 'predictions.' Always has that sorta pathetic 'insider' tone that screams 'outsider.'

An E! gynoid will ask him, "Does "Desperate Housewives" have a chance this year?" And he'll beamingly answer, "I think voters like "Desperate Housewives" and it's got a real chance!" That's expertise!

I imagine him gracelessly climbing off the E! News platform and being denied entrance to the Kodak as the Oscar telecast begins. A security guard stops him, telling him that his press laminate doesn't get him inside. He gets upset. Jane Kazmarek arrives at the last minute and rushes past him. "Jane! Jane!," he calls out, "It's Tom!" She doesn't even break stride. A tear rolls down his cheek. He watches the show at home, certain that everyone at the Governor's Ball is distracted, wondering where he is.

Did I mention that he is always identified as an "Emmy expert" or "Oscar expert?"

The following excerpt from the Entertainment Tonight website makes my point better than I ever could:

"STEVE CARELL may get no respect around 'The Office' for playing a scoundrel, but he is the actor to watch in the comedy race," Tom says. "The Beverly Hills crowd usually doesn't go for a scruffy type like JASON LEE, but there is no doubt that 'My Name is Earl' was a big hit this year."

Christ.

DIVORCES ABOUND IN TINSLETOWN!

Hollwood, still confused, angry, and under the lingering dark cloud of the Matthew McConaughey/Penelope Cruz bust-up, takes another sharp jab to the chin this noon with Oscar sweetheart Hilary Swank ("The Crying Game") at last revealing the sordid reasons for her divorce from Rob Lowe's actor son, Chad.

The power-couple (seen in photo during happier times) were undone by that ubiquitous Dream Factory bogeyman: substances.

Swank tells our colleagues at Vanity Fair magazine that the relationship couldn't survive Lowe's dancing with the dark side.

Thankfully, Swank said, she has three movies coming out, including a biblical thriller and one that's inspired by true events!

"I guess on the positive side, we don't have any children," the dentally-blessed thesp remarked, because Chad and her "parts didn't line up right."

ELEANORA'S HOLLYWOOD BUZZ NEWS

Hello from Hollywood!

Here's whats making Pacific waves in our Entertainment Community:

Ben Stiller ("Zooland") wakes this Wednesday to find himself the King of La-La-Land. No joke! Funny man Stiller plans to have us laughing while leggy Michelle Monaghan will have us panting in DreamWork's "Seven Day Itch." Ace comedy twins Petey and Bob Farrelly ("What About Mary?") are calling the shots on the rom-com remake about that itch we all know! Stiller is keeping it in the family: the pic is a redo of the Grodin classic that Elaine May directed as part of the famous Nichols-May-Stiller-Meara comedy team from the 50's!

And speaking of the Stiller clan, Ben is using his juice to get his amenable wife Christine on the TV! She'll topline an as-yet-untitled high-concept CBS comedy pilot. According to the Daily Variety, the story centers around a woman "who contends with her family members and their involvement in her life." Has Nina Tassler been reading my diary!?!

To no one's surprise, NBC has finally cancelled Arena Football. The sport, called "soccer" in the U.S.A., has failed to draw a sizable audience despite the huge promotional push for Arena Football's recent "FIFA World Cup" tournament. "It's just not a sport that Americans want to watch," a network exec commented, blaming the failure on the sport's insistence on enforcing a rule which prevents the players from using their hands.

Superman was disappointed to wake up this Wednesday morning to find that Ben Stiller, not the Man of Steel, was the King of La-La-Land. "Superman's Return," the lastest film version of the popular novel, did bang-up but not boffo box office. The suprise hit of the weekend frame was "The Devil Wears Pravda," a chick-lit-flick-hit about shoes and (surprise surprise) New York City!

Elsewhere in the entertainment universe, Danny Delvito brought his star power to an FX comedy called "It's Sunny In Philadelphia" about a bar where a gaggle of lawyers with AIDS hang out.

You all inspire me!
Eleanora...out!

WOLF BLITZER WORKING HIS SOURCES INTO OVERDRIVE!

from this week's


911 caller: I think I'm cut in half by train

Man fights alligator to save girlfriend's dog

Bear cub driven to diet on pizza, booze

Keira Knightly: I'm not anorexic

Suit alleges hanky-panky over Brando's will

INTERNET OBSESSED WITH NEW YORK CITY

Web Snared By "Big Apple!"

If no one else is willing to speak truth to power, we are! It can be reported definitively that the internet is irrationally obsessed with New York City! Every time we turn around, there is some story or other involving this city or the colorful folks who call it home. Brooklyn this or Brooklyn that! I was happier before I knew what a Williamsburg was!

Now, I like tall buildings and Billy Joel probably more than most ordinary Americans, but "enough's enough!" I know there are other interesting places around. And they deserve their chance to shine "online" too!

Just don't take away my "Seinfeld" reruns! They still crack me up! "No soup for Seinfeld!"